Dear Wife who won’t let her cheating lover go,

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Dear Wife who won’t let her cheating lover go,

For a long time, I was you.  Relationship after relationship, fighting to hurry up and change to be the person that my lover was seeking out elsewhere.  The PANIC! that they were one foot out of the door, and I didn’t even know we were on the rocks.  I remember all the doubts and suspicions that I had but couldn’t ask, for fear of rocking the boat and throwing her back into the arms of her new fuck buddy.. oh god.. what if he/she wasn’t just a fuck buddy?

Wedding rings on a dictionary showing the word infidelity

Wedding rings on a dictionary showing the word infidelity

I remember the work it took to hold that relationship together. The threads of bribery, silence, promises to do better, try harder, earn more, spend less etc etc.  Whatever it took to keep her!  I know, all too well, the sleepless nights, the psychological warfare that came with tearing myself into two.. me, and the me I thought I needed to become.  I remember compromising my values and my boundaries.  I remember saying “it’s OK!” to being cheated on so many times, because I had to make sure that she knew this wouldn’t be spoken of again.  She made it clear enough that there was “no point in us working it out..” That I’ll “never be able to forget what she had done.”  I even rationalized why it had happened for her.   “No one had ever loved her for her before.”  “She didn’t know that I really would stand by her side no matter what.. now she does.. See! It happened for a reason!!! This was a good thing!”

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The self talk and torture that was “holding on” – I forgot what you looked like.  It’s been so long since that part of the cycle was “now” that I had lost sight of you.  While I am thankful for the reminder, as it is a lesson I wish to file as learned, I am disappointed in myself.  I’m ashamed that I am now “she” that you are competing with.  I am now the person you are trying to become to avoid losing her.  I am the ears that listen.  I am the object of her lust.  I am the reason that arguments occur out of left field.  I am the reason she wants more from you.  It’s me that she is texting.  It’s me that she originally took that selfie for.  It is me… and I know you hate me, because you can’t hate her.  I know that you believe in your mind, that if I just fucked off, everything would be okay between you two.  What you don’t see is that I have fucked off, many times.. and she always came back.  What you don’t want to think about is how much I too, was in love with her, because I didn’t have “a right to be”.  “She isn’t mine.” “I am wrong for having an affair.” You’re right.  There was a time when I believed wholeheartedly that you are right, because I was you, and I felt those feelings and I told myself those same things.

Being on the other side of this triangle has brought so much awareness, understanding, and acceptance into my world.  I know what it feels like to love a forbidden love… to wait patiently for my turn; while you aren’t home, or while she is at work.. to hold sacred those few moments in her day that she choose to talk to me.  The pleasurable times that she was taking a bath.  When she went out of town for work, and we met, went on dates, and spent the night.  Those times that the Universe allowed us to spend time together, getting to know each other, and falling in love.  I know what it was like to see pictures of the two of you, and feel the guilt penetrate me with such blunt force.. to walk away and swear that I couldn’t do it anymore… only to find that the one thing that hurt more than going against my morals, was not having her in my life.   I know what it was like to wait forever.  To love unconditionally.. even if a condition was that she was married.  I know what it is like to love without fear of losing her, because I never really had her to begin with.  I know what it was like to fear losing her anyway.

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I look back on the younger me, and I realize that every one of those relationships had already ended, the moment I realized I needed to save them.  The moment I found out that they were seeing someone else.  I look back, and think about where they are now.. and I am thankful that each and every one of them happened, and came to an end.  Everyone involved is happier.  I look back, and I forgive the “home wreckers” because I now know that a true home cannot be wrecked by someone else.  I have forgiven them, and understand that they just didn’t have the communication skills and honesty that it takes to have those uncomfortable conversations that something was wrong.  I didn’t either.  In that, I have learned how much I want that in my future relationship.  I have begun practicing it in my friendships.  It has helped me recognize it in others, and share it with those who don’t have it.  I don’t judge them like I used to when I thought I had that skill.  In that lesson, I have learned to look at people for what they do have, as opposed to what they don’t.  That in every disagreement I have with another person, I have an opportunity to learn a new way, which is awesome.. because sometimes my way doesn’t work for me anymore.. and maybe they were put in my life to prepare me for such a time?  I look at life very differently these days, and it is a result of loving and having been loved by your wife.

I know you know about me.  I know that you’ve accidentally been the one home when my package arrived.  I don’t know if you know about the packages I received.  I don’t know if you know everything she has told me that you know.  I sincerely doubt it, based on everything that came to light in the end of my failed relationships.

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To the Wife who doesn’t want to let go… I am deeply sorry for the pain that I have caused.  I am even sorrier for the pain that you choose to hold onto.

 

Sincerely,

Your wifes’ mistress.

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Moving Forward After Losing A Child 

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 Three years ago I lost my 4 year old
son, Tyler. I was a stay at home mom in a long term relationship with another woman. I was there before he was ever even born.. Went to the doctor appointments, cooked the nutritious food for his biological mother to eat, so that he would be healthy.. I was his mother.. Until we broke up, and she exercised her biological mother card. If I’d only known what would come next I might’ve fought a little harder.  It’s been a long ongoing process of letting go.
My plan was to pick up incense and warming oils at the flea market.. But apparently that isn’t that high on the totem pole. Luckily I finished writing my last entry late, because right after that I got a phone call from the HSSM, the local humane society, wanting to send a truck to pick up the stuff I wanted to donate. I let her know that I had a meeting to go to at 11am… Completely fighting the urge for this to be the excuse that I don’t make my first OA meeting. She sent the truck right away…

  
I hurried to get dressed and went downstairs to start moving the load forward. “Well, goodbye Tyler” I thought to myself.. Kinda sad. I debated holding onto the things people had asked for.. Until I saw them.. Or the crib so that I could sell it… “Nope.. It’s time for it all to go… Everything” I thought.. Kinda excited about what my storage room and garage was going to transform into. I’ve accumulated so much camping stuff that it needs some organization down there.  
  

  
Up pulled the truck. I saw the animals on the sides of it and smiled. The fact that Tyler’s belongings were all going to the thrift store at the animal shelter, to help animals.. It was pretty puuuurfect. Tyler and I used to have outings to the animal shelter.  

  
We’d see the animals and watch the families all excited that they had a new family member. There is a lot of love in those buildings, and even tho we didn’t need to bring one home.. It still put love in our hearts. Nowadays it wouldn’t be responsible for me to adopt a pet. I travel a LOT 

  
and I wouldn’t make a very good parent. I believe that I’m not meant to be tied down right now. I need the freedom to stretch and grow.. Make my mark on the world.. Be the change I want to see.. And inspire others to be and do the same .. And then one day when I’m older.. And I’m ready to settle down.. I’m sure there will be kids that would love a home.. Pre teens, or teenagers… The kids that our society throws away. Teens that I’m sure will benefit from my love.. “Grandmas house” will have a home for a dog.. A border collie 🙂 but until then.. Visiting the animal shelter and hanging out with them definitely gives me my fix. It’s always great therapy.  

  

They loaded everything up, and pulled away.. Thanking me for the donation. I feel embarrassed a little because the stuff was in need of another clean .. There was a bike that I didn’t think would be new enough to take.. But they took it. I guess if it was that bike or no bike it would make a child happy. I’m so thankful for the every day lessons of gratitude that come into my life. The clear mind that allows me to see the blessings in my life… To see the way the universe shows up for me.. My higher power.. My God.  
  They left just in time for me to head to the OA meeting. Boy…. Wait until you read that one!!