Ask and Ye Shall Receive

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I wrote a private blog a couple of weeks ago.. I guess it was like my way of saying a silent prayer.. manifesting what it is that I am looking for in life.   My life is already so blessed that I felt somewhat greedy asking for more than I have, but I have been taught that I can manifest what it is I want to create in my life, and the yearning to share life with an amazing partner has never truly gone away.

The silent prayer began as a reintroduction of myself to someone that I thought knew me well enough, but when I really listened, I realized they didn’t know me at all.  I wonder how many times that shows up in my life.  As I wrote, the vision became clearer and clearer.. in fact so clear, that I felt I reached a finishing point.  I saved it.. sending it out in the Universe, and went on about my plans to research converting the minivan and travel.

 My name is Storme 🙂

I’m a fucking amazing person who is passionate about anything I put my hands and mind on… Those things often change.. It used to be painting.. And photography .. Lately it’s been writing and traveling.. Helping others.. Dulling the suffering that goes on in the world even its just putting a smile on someone’s face. I seem pretty social but I like my me time too. I’m the kind of ex that every ex wants back, but I don’t look backwards. I crave a family more than anything.. A home filled with love. I’ve rarely known either. I’ve been fortunate enough to spend the last three years mostly on my own discovering who I am and what I enjoy.. I’ve been able to do some of the things I always resented past relationships for preventing me doing. The grass is always greener on the other side. It’s been pretty awesome but none of it has filled that hole.

I love campfires, beaches, swimming in salt water, mountain views, and the great outdoors. I don’t care for materialistic stuff. I’m a simple person that just loves to love. I’d give the shirt off my back even if it were my last.. Well maybe not my last bc i am insecure about my body image lol I’m easy to fall in love with but I don’t fall too easy.. I’m skeptical and I’m not willing to change the dynamic of my life unless I know that I love that person unconditionally .. That means you need to piss me off a few times and I need to be able to see that I won’t just say fuck it. It’s rare that that happens. I’ve beaten enough dead horses and life’s too short.

The most valuable thing to me is time. I don’t believe in waiting for anything because who knows how long I have left. I want a life partner.. Not someone that’s gonna be up my ass 24/7 .. Like I said .. I like my me time and I want someone who enjoys their own space. I’m not a babysitter. I want someone who is passionate about things in their life. Someone who loves themselves and isn’t looking for a partner just to feel validated. Someone who wants to take the time to really get to know each other .. I’m not about the uhauling. I am ready to build a home with that person whenever that person appears in my life. I wish for it. I tell the universe all the time that that’s what I want.. And when I meet new people., I access them to see if they match what I’m looking for.. Just in case the universe is sending them my way. If they hit enough points, I spend more time talking to them.. Making great friends along the way, but when it becomes apparent that this isn’t going to blossom into something further, I tend to drift away. That’s something I need to work on.. Communicating what’s going on. I want life with a partner as opposed to without but It’s not a necessity.. I’ve had the best three years of my life in the last three years.. Falling in love with me.. and implementing a lifestyle that keeps me mentally healthier than I’ve ever been before. It’s in both of our best interests that that isn’t disrupted too much, which really narrows down the pool. Not too many people can genuinely be okay and understanding that no matter what it is that we were about to do.. I’m having a panic attack and simply cannot do it.. It leads to lateness or even being absent.. Social gatherings.. Needing help with something.. I understand it can be frustrating.. Another reason it’s mandatory that we spend time getting to know each other.
I want to build a house from scratch.. I don’t know where yet and was hoping traveling would answer that but it hasn’t.
I am diagnosed as mentally ill for various reasons and symptoms, but I don’t take meds. I was on and off them from the age of 16 and I think they’ve made things worse rather than better. Ive now been off them for over a year, and been able to manage my symptoms effectively. That doesn’t mean life is normal.. It just means it’s as contained as it can be and doesn’t stop me living life anymore.
Things i am working on.. Using my voice. I still struggle with standing up for myself. I pick my fights .. I’m mostly laid back and would prefer To avoid confrontation.. But if it starts affecting my mental health and becomes an obsessive thought then I speak up. I’d like to get to a place where I speak up before it effects me. I’m still working on managing my PTSD. It’s like a spiral Spiraling up wider and wider. There was a time I was afraid of my own shadow.. Now I travel across seas and stay at men’s houses that I don’t even know.. Creating pretty cool friendships. My zone has gotten so wide that it throws me off when something triggers me again and I get pretty angry at myself initially.. But part of loving myself is accepting that it’s going to happen.. And knowing that I have the tools.
My goal is to never work for an employer ever again. I don’t like having an authority figure over me. My parents weren’t active parents and I raised myself practically so it’s difficult for me to respect elders and law enforcement.. Bosses.. Anyone that comes across as having power over me. I’m the boss of my life, and so far I’ve been successfully unemployed or self employed for 6 years.
My savings plan for my future financial security is real estate. You really can’t go wrong with it. I want to own a couple of houses internationally .. Mostly because I have a paranoia about being stuck to one place should a world war break out or Mother Nature go nuts.
And that’s pretty much me in a nutshell.
Until I remember something else

Upon returning home I visited the animal shelter in Conroe Texas.. And there I found Athena.. A mixed dog that stole my heart in an hour.  My prayer was answered.. I would no longer be alone.. And in her companionship, I no longer needed to find a person to share my life with.  We make pretty awesome road buddies.. And I am truly blessed to have her.  It’s definitely an adjustment, but she’s my child now, and in that, all adjustments are possible.

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Moving Forward After Losing A Child 

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 Three years ago I lost my 4 year old
son, Tyler. I was a stay at home mom in a long term relationship with another woman. I was there before he was ever even born.. Went to the doctor appointments, cooked the nutritious food for his biological mother to eat, so that he would be healthy.. I was his mother.. Until we broke up, and she exercised her biological mother card. If I’d only known what would come next I might’ve fought a little harder.  It’s been a long ongoing process of letting go.
My plan was to pick up incense and warming oils at the flea market.. But apparently that isn’t that high on the totem pole. Luckily I finished writing my last entry late, because right after that I got a phone call from the HSSM, the local humane society, wanting to send a truck to pick up the stuff I wanted to donate. I let her know that I had a meeting to go to at 11am… Completely fighting the urge for this to be the excuse that I don’t make my first OA meeting. She sent the truck right away…

  
I hurried to get dressed and went downstairs to start moving the load forward. “Well, goodbye Tyler” I thought to myself.. Kinda sad. I debated holding onto the things people had asked for.. Until I saw them.. Or the crib so that I could sell it… “Nope.. It’s time for it all to go… Everything” I thought.. Kinda excited about what my storage room and garage was going to transform into. I’ve accumulated so much camping stuff that it needs some organization down there.  
  

  
Up pulled the truck. I saw the animals on the sides of it and smiled. The fact that Tyler’s belongings were all going to the thrift store at the animal shelter, to help animals.. It was pretty puuuurfect. Tyler and I used to have outings to the animal shelter.  

  
We’d see the animals and watch the families all excited that they had a new family member. There is a lot of love in those buildings, and even tho we didn’t need to bring one home.. It still put love in our hearts. Nowadays it wouldn’t be responsible for me to adopt a pet. I travel a LOT 

  
and I wouldn’t make a very good parent. I believe that I’m not meant to be tied down right now. I need the freedom to stretch and grow.. Make my mark on the world.. Be the change I want to see.. And inspire others to be and do the same .. And then one day when I’m older.. And I’m ready to settle down.. I’m sure there will be kids that would love a home.. Pre teens, or teenagers… The kids that our society throws away. Teens that I’m sure will benefit from my love.. “Grandmas house” will have a home for a dog.. A border collie 🙂 but until then.. Visiting the animal shelter and hanging out with them definitely gives me my fix. It’s always great therapy.  

  

They loaded everything up, and pulled away.. Thanking me for the donation. I feel embarrassed a little because the stuff was in need of another clean .. There was a bike that I didn’t think would be new enough to take.. But they took it. I guess if it was that bike or no bike it would make a child happy. I’m so thankful for the every day lessons of gratitude that come into my life. The clear mind that allows me to see the blessings in my life… To see the way the universe shows up for me.. My higher power.. My God.  
  They left just in time for me to head to the OA meeting. Boy…. Wait until you read that one!!