While scrolling thru my facebook feed, killing time so my tent has a chance to dry, I saw this meme.
It was a religious post
For anyone whose ever responded to any anxiety post I’ve ever made .. I urge you to allow yourself the gift of this. Even if you don’t believe in God and the Devil.. Maybe you don’t believe in anything .. I have more experience in that than ill ever have in Christianity … But listen to the message … Don’t get hung up on words that shut you down .. Having faith will always conquer fear .. Its a mathematical equation.. My faith used to be in a 12 step meeting. I believed and eventually knew without a doubt that i would feel better after a meeting than I did before. Whether it was having company for a little while .. Or id hear something I needed to hear.. Or help someone else that put my woes into perspective .. At that time it had nothing to do with God.. I was an atheist and made sure to remind everyone in there talking about God of my right to be an atheist. You see.. I’m an intellectual .. I’m mathematically inclined and I needed tangible proof for all that magic stuff… I believed faith and church were for the weak… For those who needed something to have as a crutch.. Who couldn’t take responsibility for themselves. Churches were all about extorting money thru fear mongering.. Reminded me of king john and robin hood. So if you’re struggling with faith because you think it requires you to follow others name of systems .. Or you just don’t need it .. Then you probably don’t have anxiety issues…
I didn’t mean to write that long because I’m already blogging .. But I wanna scream this message because I know there are so many people out there suffering at the hands of anxiety and panic attacks. Prisoner of their own minds.. Just as I was for 20 plus years… Weighing the pros and cons daily of taking the medicines .. Because if I wanted to be productive the medicine would make me too groggy.. But could I be productive with back to back panic attacks? Feeling exhausted all the time as my adrenaline dumped repeatedly.. Which kept me depressed and eventually suicidal… Because I wanted to live! I wanted to live so bad it hurt .. But I couldn’t live because I was prisoner to my illness.. And a life sentence in my mind wasn’t a life I wanted to live… And I know there are many people right now in this moment battling that same feeling of despair.
I’m not gonna tell you that you just need to believe in Jesus and pray about it and it’ll all be okay … Because that isn’t my experience. It was a journey. It was baby steps for years.. And i only just accepted Jesus as my lord and savior in July 2016. I can’t tell you where your journey will take you and what you should believe because that’s what your journey is for.. And if you’re like me .. You can’t be told anyway.
What I can share is that for every panic attack I’ve ever had where every fiber of my being just KNEW I wasn’t going to make it thru this one… I did. I survived every last one of them. I never came today of the perceived harms that I felt I would come to in the moment.. Every last one of them really did become an empty grave. I spent so much time repeating those same fears, almost trying to defy the reality that I would be okay.
As I grew stronger, holding onto the faith I found in recalling all the prior panic attacks that I survived, I began to venture into new territories. Instead of avoiding my triggers, I began seeking them out one by one.. Taking them on and defeating them. It became a conquest to find a life free of fear altogether… A conquest that has led me to the life I love today. I’m afraid of heights, but ill go up the mountain anyway. I’m afraid of men, but ill stay in a male strangers home anyway. I’m afraid of socializing, of being alone, of falling, of succeeding .. So I do it all anyway, because I believe anything is possible. I believe that no matter what I will survive. I believe in myself and my higher power, who I choose to call Jesus. I believe.. I have faith.. And with that, nothing is impossible.. One by one, all of those fears have and will continue to become empty graves.