Dear Wife who won’t let her cheating lover go,
For a long time, I was you. Relationship after relationship, fighting to hurry up and change to be the person that my lover was seeking out elsewhere. The PANIC! that they were one foot out of the door, and I didn’t even know we were on the rocks. I remember all the doubts and suspicions that I had but couldn’t ask, for fear of rocking the boat and throwing her back into the arms of her new fuck buddy.. oh god.. what if he/she wasn’t just a fuck buddy?
I remember the work it took to hold that relationship together. The threads of bribery, silence, promises to do better, try harder, earn more, spend less etc etc. Whatever it took to keep her! I know, all too well, the sleepless nights, the psychological warfare that came with tearing myself into two.. me, and the me I thought I needed to become. I remember compromising my values and my boundaries. I remember saying “it’s OK!” to being cheated on so many times, because I had to make sure that she knew this wouldn’t be spoken of again. She made it clear enough that there was “no point in us working it out..” That I’ll “never be able to forget what she had done.” I even rationalized why it had happened for her. “No one had ever loved her for her before.” “She didn’t know that I really would stand by her side no matter what.. now she does.. See! It happened for a reason!!! This was a good thing!”
The self talk and torture that was “holding on” – I forgot what you looked like. It’s been so long since that part of the cycle was “now” that I had lost sight of you. While I am thankful for the reminder, as it is a lesson I wish to file as learned, I am disappointed in myself. I’m ashamed that I am now “she” that you are competing with. I am now the person you are trying to become to avoid losing her. I am the ears that listen. I am the object of her lust. I am the reason that arguments occur out of left field. I am the reason she wants more from you. It’s me that she is texting. It’s me that she originally took that selfie for. It is me… and I know you hate me, because you can’t hate her. I know that you believe in your mind, that if I just fucked off, everything would be okay between you two. What you don’t see is that I have fucked off, many times.. and she always came back. What you don’t want to think about is how much I too, was in love with her, because I didn’t have “a right to be”. “She isn’t mine.” “I am wrong for having an affair.” You’re right. There was a time when I believed wholeheartedly that you are right, because I was you, and I felt those feelings and I told myself those same things.
Being on the other side of this triangle has brought so much awareness, understanding, and acceptance into my world. I know what it feels like to love a forbidden love… to wait patiently for my turn; while you aren’t home, or while she is at work.. to hold sacred those few moments in her day that she choose to talk to me. The pleasurable times that she was taking a bath. When she went out of town for work, and we met, went on dates, and spent the night. Those times that the Universe allowed us to spend time together, getting to know each other, and falling in love. I know what it was like to see pictures of the two of you, and feel the guilt penetrate me with such blunt force.. to walk away and swear that I couldn’t do it anymore… only to find that the one thing that hurt more than going against my morals, was not having her in my life. I know what it was like to wait forever. To love unconditionally.. even if a condition was that she was married. I know what it is like to love without fear of losing her, because I never really had her to begin with. I know what it was like to fear losing her anyway.
I look back on the younger me, and I realize that every one of those relationships had already ended, the moment I realized I needed to save them. The moment I found out that they were seeing someone else. I look back, and think about where they are now.. and I am thankful that each and every one of them happened, and came to an end. Everyone involved is happier. I look back, and I forgive the “home wreckers” because I now know that a true home cannot be wrecked by someone else. I have forgiven them, and understand that they just didn’t have the communication skills and honesty that it takes to have those uncomfortable conversations that something was wrong. I didn’t either. In that, I have learned how much I want that in my future relationship. I have begun practicing it in my friendships. It has helped me recognize it in others, and share it with those who don’t have it. I don’t judge them like I used to when I thought I had that skill. In that lesson, I have learned to look at people for what they do have, as opposed to what they don’t. That in every disagreement I have with another person, I have an opportunity to learn a new way, which is awesome.. because sometimes my way doesn’t work for me anymore.. and maybe they were put in my life to prepare me for such a time? I look at life very differently these days, and it is a result of loving and having been loved by your wife.
I know you know about me. I know that you’ve accidentally been the one home when my package arrived. I don’t know if you know about the packages I received. I don’t know if you know everything she has told me that you know. I sincerely doubt it, based on everything that came to light in the end of my failed relationships.
To the Wife who doesn’t want to let go… I am deeply sorry for the pain that I have caused. I am even sorrier for the pain that you choose to hold onto.
Your wifes’ mistress.