Rigorous Honesty.. I relapsed

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One week check in and I’ve gained 2lbs. This definitely isn’t something I want to post. Man how much power that has over me that I’ve never really thought about. That’s a fail.. And I don’t fail. Obviously that’s not true, but I can’t ever remember admitting when I failed at something.  
It reminds me of the time when someone told me “newsflash – you’re not perfect” and I’d like to fall out… 
“What do you mean I’m not perfect??? Yes I am.. What’s wrong with me?? What is it that has come out of alignment and needs my attention!??!!!” 
Like seriously… That isn’t an option for me, and I’ve never realized what a perfectionist I am.. Or can be.. Until now. In fact when friends have shared about being a perfectionist, I don’t relate at all.. I’m in THAT kinda denial. I mean there are places that prove I’m not. The state of my car. Oh my gosh does my car need cleaning?? It’s got bits of trees in it from the bonfire.. Fishing poles.. Camping equipment.. Dust and pollen.. I haven’t cleaned it since I’ve been home because in my mind I’m leaving soon.. Well I’ve been saying that for a month now, and I still have a week before I leave. See.. I’m not a perfectionist .. But now that I’ve admitted that about my car, I’m sure I’ll be washing the car today hahaha

  
Okay .. So week one .. I’ve gained 2lbs. I should totally quit and give up. Obviously this plant based diet isn’t working. Obviously all this hard work of shopping for recipe specific food, and cooking.. And blogging, and making meetings.. Obviously it isn’t working!! I’m doomed. I’m just doomed to always be fat.. I’m gonna be that person that gets cut from their house because the trips out have become fewer and farther between.. Grocery shops have been bigger and bigger .. And it just hurts too much to stand up and ask my skeleton to hold all of that weight, so I haven’t gotten out of bed in I don’t know how many years… 
Okay so that line of thinking isn’t gonna help me. Rigorous honesty.. That’s the only hope I have of this program working for me.. Which means I need to admit that I gained 2lbs.  
I need to reflect mindfully on the week, and the times that I didn’t abstain. The times that I sneaked and thought I’d still have a weight loss so no one would ever know. Wow… I did that. I had Mcdonalds for breakfast yesterday. I had chocolate while I was in New Orleans. Amber lived across the street from the best international market that I have found around here.. In the south. It has my English foods.. That I probably shouldn’t claim as my foods anymore.. But it has the custard powder.. It has the galaxy chocolate, and the malteasers.

  
 It has the steak and kidney pies, and then all the curry and spices you could ever wish to need. I went in there to get diced tomatoes and basil for the eggplant pizzas I was making for dinner.. 

  
But there it all was in all its glory and I just had to buy that galaxy selection box.. I mean it’s only there because it was just christmas, and it’s such a good deal.. English chocolate isn’t ever cheap over here even when we do find it. I bought the box and had eaten two of the 8 bars by the time Amber got home. We had dinner and then I decided they had to see how awesome this store was. They’d been living in walking distance from it for over a year. I even rationalized that we were walking there, so we were getting our exercise. Needless to say, more chocolate was bought, sampled, shared.. And the beast was awake. I ate another bar on the way home in the morning, stopped and had mcdonalds for breakfast.. Made quinoa and peas for lunch.. And was sure to share a picture of that healthy meal!

  
 I ate a bag of pretzels for a snack.. The family size bag.. Hmm what else .. The more I’m thinking the more I keep remembering eating. I made bean soup for dinner and didn’t eat any of it… I ate a bag of roasted chestnuts.. Two crab pâté sandwiches.. Then ordered dominos for movie night with Anthony.. Because he was hungry and hadn’t eaten all day. He looked frail. Looked like he hadn’t been eating since he moved out.. So we HAD to share a cheesybread and a Philly cheesesteak sandwich!  
… And here I am, wondering how I could’ve possibly gained two pounds? 
Okay.. So put the bat away. Celebrate the percentage of meals during this week that I did eat healthy, plant based food.. And keep walking towards 100% as the goal. I need to stop thinking in terms of fail or success.. Progress not perfection. This was a HUGE week! I grew my support network.. Found an OA sponsor (I prob should’ve called her at some point this weekend) I cooked four new plant based recipes that were really freaking good.. And even added a desert to that menu! Oh yea .. And left it in ambers freezer.. Ha.. Wow.. I brought my vegan choc dip, and forgot all about it once that craving was stirred. I made some meetings. I journaled about the noise in my head… And now admitting I am powerless over this beast.. From the moment that chocolate was in my range.. My defenses were down, and autopilot kicked in… Step one.. I’m powerless over compulsive eating, and my life becomes unmanageable. ✔️
What didn’t I do?
I didn’t call my sponsor.

I didn’t make a meeting in New Orleans. I looked them up, but there wasn’t one on a Friday .. Should’ve gone to an AA meeting instead… 

I went around “places and things” (English chocolate) 

I didn’t blog or talk about any of the noise that was going on in my head. 
Progress.. Not perfection. Week two.. Let’s do this!

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One thought on “Rigorous Honesty.. I relapsed

  1. I am glad you were honest. That is the first step, right? And you learned from your relapse: what to do next time – calling your sponsor, making an AA meeting if OA meeting unavailable. That is good information for the future, right? I also liked how you let out all the self abuse and catastrophizing over the relapse. (((hugs))) Do email me if you want to connect: alayna1979@gmail.com

    Love & Light,

    Alayna

    oh yeah – phone meetings help me in a pinch. Well, when I remember to use them. I admit stubborn willfullness about using all the tools available when I am obsessing about food.