Day 6 … I feel so fat today. I’ve been feeling healthier, smaller, standing taller.. just from the knowledge that I am putting healthy food into my body… but today I just feel plain fat.. My disease is on point today. I see my reflection and see no difference.. no weight loss on the scales, and that’s what I would be losing if I replaced today.. just had one bag of Swedish fish.. they are chewy enough.. they’d take longer to eat.. it would curb this craving.. I know.. We can walk to the dollar store.. that way we would burn the calories off that we are consuming and it would be a win win!
I know damn well that the last time that was the plan, I got to the bottom of the stairs, saw the car and said fuck it.. drove to the store, bought 5 bags of candy or so, drove home, locked myself back in my room, and opened each bag over the rest of the evening.. clearing the bag before I even knew it. The only moment that I had checked in and realized how much I was eating was if the bag was empty when I reached in for another one.
No.. I can’t just have one… that’s the whole point.. one turns into two, and they just start multiplying like rabbits. Even if I did just have one.. I’d want to do it again.. eventually.. I’d always want more.. its not like that one is THE ONE.. the one to end the cravings.. no.. it will never stop.. there’s no end goal for this.. I am walking away from sugar.. I am walking away from fast food.. I am breaking up with them.. and break ups SUCK!!! I mean, what is going to keep me company at the movie theatre now? What am I going to turn to when depression hits? Where am I going to hang out with my friends???? I already quit drinking.. now restaurants are too tempting… the grocery store is like a stealth black ops mission.. in.. grab the list.. and out.. without being seen.. all it takes is a brief encounter and the romance of it all.. it all comes whirling back, reminding me of our good times.. those moments where chocolate was really there for me. The fact that I can slow this inner battle down enough to rationally look at it in black and white, and reaffirm my commitment to complete abstinence from junk food, is amazing! That’s what I would be losing if I relapsed right now. I would be losing the little distance that I have put between me and this behavior. Not today… So I feel fat. I am fat.. I should be thankful I have moments when I don’t feel fat, because those are the moments I get to plug my attention into something else other than my self-consciousness. Those are the moments that I get to see the beauty around me, and think about others. Those are the moments that my mind is free enough to create. It’s not about the reflection. It’s not about the number on the scale. It’s about not wanting to die from some obesity related illness. It’s about freeing myself from the obsessive repetitive thoughts about how fat I am. It’s about freeing myself of the shame and embarrassment I have to go through.. every time I want to hang out with friends. It’s about loving me… and putting that chocolate bar in my mouth isn’t loving myself. It’s like putting a needle in my arm, or smoking crack. One won’t ever be enough, and that’s okay.. because now that my attention wont be on my health and my weight.. ill have room for new experiences in my life.. just like sobriety provided. Kinda excited!!!