I wanted to die. More than anything in the world..

Valentines’ Day… when I type that, my fingers glide over the keys as if they are playing the piano.. gracefully, romantically.. a little bump in the rhythm of my heartbeat. It feels quite nice actually.   Valentines’ Day.. 🙂

So.. what does the big day look like for a hopeless romantic single boi such as myself? I’ve gotta say.. I felt pretty content. I didn’t hate a single picture of roses, chocolates or teddy bears posted on any social media. I felt love. I felt romantic. I felt mindful and present.. and completely okay with the fact that I didn’t have a Valentine. That only improved as I hung out with the boys, and talked about what healthy dating and relationships look like.. I felt solid on my path.. that I don’t need someone in my life to feel whole.   For a co dependent, borderline personality like myself, that is HUGE! I am emotionally independent!!! They are no longer dictated by drugs, alcohol, shopping, lust, sex… manipulated by endorphin’s released by my pleasure centers.. they are completely and authentically real. I don’t need to be validated by anyone. I know I am fucking awesome! That positive affirmation I never thought I would be able to wear, and own.. “I am awesome” … I finally convinced myself.

Three years ago today, I was admitted into River Oaks Behavioral Hospital, into the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder unit. I wanted to die. More than anything else in the world, I wanted to die. Correction.. I wanted peace. Peace of mind and heart. Calmness in my soul. It was something that I was convinced would never be possible for me. I’d wanted it for as long as I could remember. Twenty plus years I had been in and out of the mental institutions, bouncing up and down, over and under the bars of mania and depression. Suicidal ideations were the only thing that brought me peace. Knowing that if all else failed, I could take my life, and it would all be over. I knew in my heart that there was a solution, but fighting for so long to keep going, thru all the extended dark days where everything ripped my guts out completely, or nothing fell upon me, creating a shell of numb and void. My partners, through the years, left.. having had enough of the constant roller coasters. Believing that I no longer loved them because I didn’t have the ability to feel it, let alone express it. Or having enough of my impulsive behaviors when manic. Gambling sprees, drugs to try and bring me down so I could sleep. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was losing my mind. I had so much insomnia that it has caused changes in my brain that effects my memory. I took the anxiety medications, the pain medicines, drank, and anything that was considered a downer. You know, a common misunderstanding about drug addicts is that they just want to be high.. and that they’re irresponsible.. while that may be true for a small percentage.. a LOT of addicts use drugs and alcohol to self-medicate their mental illnesses. It gets to the point where it doesn’t really matter anymore.. it doesn’t matter if it is illegal.. it doesn’t matter if it might kill you.. you hope that it will.. it doesn’t matter that you won’t be able to function.. as long as it breaks the current psychotic symptom that is throwing everything out of whack.. that is the ONLY goal that can be focused on, because if you try to think of anything else, the brain malfunctions and goes into shut down.. the fuck its.  Mental illness is a bitch. Some days are so busy, just trying to keep within the realm of grounded that nothing else gets done. I spend days circling my house, one room to the next to the next .. maybe cleaning a little bit here and there, but mostly just trying to remember what it is that I am doing… trying to complete the tasks of things that I have already started. I never get to the end of that haunting list.. it just grows and grows and grows.


Anyway … totally got off topic there lol … some things take longer than others! So yea.. from three years ago, wanting to die, until today.. where I am emotionally free, and have so much in life that I want to do before I die… it’s an interesting transition. It’s a program that actually works.  A path from the deepest darkest depression, to the most mind blowing life anyone could wish to live.  I am living a life that I never thought would be possible for me, stacking up the evidence of the things I thought I couldn’t do.. and have done. It’s an amazing journey so far! I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I wish I could sit down and compile a book on how to do it,.. but I can’t.  I don’t have the focus to spend that long on one project.. maybe over the course of my lifetime I will have written it, but for now, I am just able to share the tools as they present themselves to me.  Todays’ tool id square breathing.  Whenever you feel overwhelmed with an emotion, square breathing helps to take it back down a notch, to a level that the next level of self care can be applied.  It’s a very slow process, but reprogramming our minds takes time.


Happy Self Love day to me! Okay.. time to go back to the karaoke! Lol


2 thoughts on “I wanted to die. More than anything in the world..

  1. Most of your friends have thrown their hands up due to your moaning and griping and you trying to seek pity. You see we cannot understand why you do not get off your fat ass and find a job. You are capable of holding down full time employment since you can travel all over the place and even go snorkling!! But no, all you want to have is a pity party and live off the money that working people make in this country. All your crap about being frugal is just a way to cover up your inability to function in a normal way and we think you are taking money from your charities. Look at you. You look like a street walker and homeless. A lot of us do not give a crap because all you do is post and post and post on fb about how hard life is for you and always wanting something for free. You have turned into a beggar and we do not support those who do not try to make themselves a better citizen. Being hung up on certain subjects makes us all sick and some will report your actions and get your ass together or we will dismiss your friendship and do something with the hairstyle.

    1. Evidently you missed the hope in this blog. Thank you for your opinion.. anonymous.. I’m not really sure where you get the griping from.. I’m completely blessed and thank Jesus regularly for redeeming me. I don’t think I cover up my inability to live in a regular way.. but He makes a way. As for your accusations.. I don’t have to prove myself to an anonymous person who thinks they know something. You’re more than welcome to contact me directly but the only thing I need to report everything to is the IRS which I do and have all my receipts thank you very much.