So What If?????

What do I wanna write about? I feel like there are so many things that I have wanted to stop and write about, but I didn’t have time in the moment.  I have those books that I need to read too.. to figure out how to start compiling the 3 novels that I want to write.. theyre so freaking awesome.. and just sitting in my mind, waiting for me to find the time to make that happen.  I think I am busier now… now that I don’t have a formal job that tells me when to report to work.. which is completely backwards of how I thought it “should” be.  Ha.. there’s that word.. and with that word.. we have a topic.. the role that the word SHOULD plays in our lives…

I bet some of you are already squirming in your seats because you know better.. you SHOULD know..:)

So in my mind, the fact that I don’t have a formal job creates all sorts of messages in my mind.  I should be thankful.  I should make sure I stay busy.  I should use the time wisely because it is such a gift.  I should give back to others.. somehow repaying everyone that does work because I feel guilty that I don’t… not enough to go back to work of course.. if that happened it would be a catastrophe.. trying to fit my mind back into focusing on the same thing day in and day out .. forever… if I want to consider it a solid successful career.. then I would have to do it forever right?  Yea.. see, .. I can’t do that.. I literally crawl and shrivel up inside at the thought of attempting to do that.. my brain scatters.. I’d rather die.. quite literally, I would rather die than get back on that hamster wheel and convince myself that I am happy.. it was always such a lie to myself that I tried to shop my way into avoiding.. or succeed at work to feel purposeful.. it eats me up inside… and I feel like I am suffocating.. just the thought of going back to work.. but I SHOULD work.. right?  I mean we all have to work.. to survive..

Survive… lets define that .. because at the time that I was forcing myself to fit into that mold.. my definition of “survive” was to keep a nice house over the heads of myself, my son, partner, her family her friends.. etc etc etc.. now even if I boiled it down to just my son, her and i.. that’s still a life consuming job.. the electric bills.. the water bill.. the cable, and car payments.. for both cars, because we NEEDED one each.. insurance and the lawn guy that comes every weekend.. the Netflix and hulu and whatever other subscriptions.. the cellphones, and then clothes.. and food.. and …………… yea.. you know what I mean.. just the basics to survive.. that’s without a vacation.. school supplies… the non monthly bills.  I had to redefine the word survive for myself.  Basically, the bare minimum that I need to survive is water, food.. clothes if I don’t want to go to jail .. and that is it.  Now I prefer to have a space to sleep, so I added a tent to that list.. and there I had the bare minimum that I needed to survive.  Now if shit really ever hit the fan.. I can grow my own food.. but id most likely be moving around on foot, so food would probably rely on goodwill if I didn’t have money.. maybe barter a service in exchange for a meal.  I certainly wouldn’t eat as much as I do now.. it would be strictly be on a hungry basis.. this already sounds healthier for me than the life I SHOULD be working towards.

There’s no wonder that I get along with homeless people so well.  All this time I looked at them as though I was better than them, and in a place in life where they were probably striving to be.. offering them food or coffee and a chat to keep them going.. it wasn’t consciously, but now that my perspective has shifted, im starting to wonder if they had already figured out that letting go of all the materialistic things was a happier place to be than on the hamster wheel.. food for thought.

Sooo… here I am, cooking seafood gumbo for a bonfire on the beach party tonight.  I am excited about it, and nervous about it.  Those feelings are one in the same, physiologically, and it’s all a matter of perspective. So what is my perspective?  Well.. I am excited to see some faces that I really haven’t seen in a while.  I am excited that it’s something that we have pulled together (thank you Ruthie and Kim!) and it’s a bonfire on the beach .. who wouldn’t be excited?? I am nervous because there are a few people that I don’t know.  I’m nervous that it won’t be good enough.. that people will be bored.. and I won’t be entertaining enough.. that they won’t like my gumbo, or we will run out of wood.. what if the fire isn’t big enough? What if people don’t get along? What if no one shows up?

Silly rabbit … so what if … SO WHAT IF?

You’re going to be surrounded with your friends, at a bonfire, on the beach, eating seafood gumbo… Save your worrying for something that threatens your basic needs.. today it’s all covered with plenty of bonuses…

And this is why I write…. Better go stir the gumbo…


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