Why can’t I come home?

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So I’m totally having a panic attack right now. I am driving to the dentist and I was thinking about how difficult it is for me to come home? Actually I’m thinking about naming this blog, “why can’t I come home?”

While I was driving to the dentist, trying to ignore the panic, the sun was starting to rise and the view was absolutely magnificent!!! I didn’t stop… I continued to drive… I wanted to stop, but I didn’t… I was late for my dentist appointment, an appointment that I hadn’t  even made yet, but was hoping they could squeeze me in for… Yet I didn’t stop.

“I always stop. It’s the sunrise!! The sunsets… I stop.. it’s too beautiful not to stop .. why aren’t I stopping?”

I got to the end of the bridge … we have long bridges down here.. and when I got to the end, the guy that was up my ass, probably later for his day than I am for mine, swerved around me and took off… Empty boat..

I pulled over and waited till the traffic passed by, did a U-turn, and went and got my moment of beauty. In this late, panic stricken… struggling to breathe and focus moment, I CHOSE LOVE.. Loving myself.. During that 60 seconds that I allowed myself to stop, and take in the moment.. I did my deep breathing exercise.. one moment.. One 60 second moment. I chose to love myself for that moment and give myself that gift. The panic fell off of me.

I thought about the book I had read .. That time is a figment of our imagination.  What would it matter if I didn’t accomplish my goals at the dentist today? It really wouldn’t matter.  As it turns out, I got to the dentist a little late for their walk in suggested time.. The building was gone .. In its place stood a brand new Walmart.  I google mapped their new address and headed there instead.  In my haste, i’d forgotten to bring today’s book I am reading.  It’s okay tho because they scheduled me for tomorrow morning 🙂 I’ll get to see that glorious sunrise all over again!

I realized, while getting dressed today, that I missed my mirrors. While I’m working on loving the reflection that’s staring back at me .. Due to the weight I gained while in Europe.. I missed looking in the mirror and seeing the things I do like about myself… And the person I see when I imagine the weight gone. I missed my leather jacket. I love my leather jacket! I missed these sunrises.. The deep burnt orange and reds that my camera can’t even pick up. Home. I love home. I love my home. I can come home and feel safe… So why can’t I stop having panic attacks? Why do I feel so completely disfunctional?  I need to start making lists to make sure I get everything done, and don’t stay stuck in this scattered panicky place I always seem to find myself in when I am home.  But first …

Time to love myself….

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