Today is a lazy day .. A day to stay “home” catch up on some photos and on my travel diary.. I really wanna write Italy.. And the blog about meeting Sanjay.. But I can’t freaking focus.. I’ve started about a thousand projects.. And now I’m just tangled.. I’m locked in my bedroom.. Cold.. But my clothes are all hanging outside to dry.. I’ve told myself to wrap up in my covers about fifty times and so far I’ve made it to the edge of the bed.. Moving made me panic so it took a while. I’m pretty sure I have a tooth infection because in the distance.. Where I’m somewhat mindful.. I can feel it. It’s a pressure in my cheekbone.. Near where I have a cold sore so quite possibly it could just be that but it’s near my tooth.. And that’s a trigger.
I’m sure that I’ll get an infection that will go to my brain, and I’ll get sick and be stranded in a foreign country needing medical help… Or have to drag myself, dying, back across state lines.. And hopefully make it to a hospital in NY before I’m completely incapable…
Maybe that’s why I am panicking .. Would make total sense.. For very irrational reasons now, I have a fear of the dentist.. So much so that in the past, I have dissociated, and while doing so, I’ve extracted my own tooth.. Only to come back and be completely freaked out by the blood all over my hands and face.. And the aching in my mouth where half my tooth was now missing. It’s been a couple of teeth now.. And this is certainly something that I need to be mindful of. My panic has dropped for the moment tho, so I’m guessing this is the source .. And I know that I don’t have to extract my own tooth today. I do need to see a dentist.. But that won’t be until I return to the United States, so I don’t need to stress about it right here and right now. My feet are in Barcelona, behind a locked door where I am safe. I can breathe.. I can relax. Chances are that its just a radiation of the pain in my face from the cold sore, and all of this panic is for nothing.
I want to go upstairs to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, and make sure all is sanitary.. But my history of going to the bathroom during panic and dissociation doesn’t speak well for itself. I usually end up falling deeper into the abyss.. And come out of it full of blood. Gross I know .. These are the blogs that I usually don’t post publicly… And I just confide in a close friend, or no one at all.. But my blog is about traveling the world WITH panic disorder .. PTSD and dealing with it play by play.. If I don’t post these blogs.. How can I help the next person truly know that it’s possible for them to have a fulfilling life even with mental illness??? That’s my purpose .. To help the next person .. So maybe while I’m in a frantic, can’t stop typing mode, I should get honest about where I’m at with my mental illness..
A self checkin ..
Emotionally.. I’m on the verge of .. Well, now I’m crying.. Traveling all over the world is a fucking AWESOME distraction .. But I haven’t completed the three steps to dealing with a problem … Distract, relax, and cope.
I’m distracted every day by some new awe-inspiring place, exhibit, city, food, people, travel deal etc etc .. But I’m constantly going going going .. And when I get home at night I pass out .. Which I thought qualified for the “relax” but it doesn’t … Today my goal is to relax .. I’ve watched an episode of walking dead, but the whole time I was trying to multi task and work on pictures .. Organize my files .. Catch my blog up .. And didn’t get anything done. “Relax” had to be an environment where there’s nothing.. No mental stimulation.. Meditative is probably best.. It’s not to center or to focus on a solution for a problem .. Or see the light at the end of the tunnel .. It’s purely to give myself a timeframe of “peace” so that I can bring my mental, spiritual, and physiological self back down to grounded.. Baseline.. This is the BEST place for me to start a journey of coping.. Whatever it is I am attempting to cope with.
What am I trying to cope with? Blaaaahhhh .. If that isn’t a list of its own..
Heartache, loneliness, issues back home with my house, NYC sending cops to hattan hostel and wanting to shut it down, stressing financially, wanting to be home to just avoid the world, wanting to keep up with my blog, and feeling constantly behind.. Questioning my motives for all this traveling .. Feeling like I’m so busy trying to capture it all so that I can share it with everyone that I’m not actually experiencing it.. Worrying about my health.. Big time worrying about my health.. Worrying that a week home isn’t going to be long enough to truly unwind.. What with everyone that wants to see me, and all the doctor appointments.. And the tests.. And handling business affairs .. I should’ve booked a longer break from traveling .. And I keep telling myself I need to see if I can change my flights but I just never get around to it .. A week in each place just isn’t enough.. Anywhere .. It’s a constant rush to try and see everything and do everything .. I’m exhausted. I still have to finish writing postcards, and find the right kinda mailbox because the ones here are different than the other countries and the post office wouldn’t mail them yday.
It’s noon, and I haven’t even eaten yet .. Blowing my day one of protein every three hours and a healthier eating pattern.. I don’t think potato chips count..
So I need a list..
Brush teeth and get up
Call Norwegian and see if I can adjust my flights to give myself more time at home
ITS OKAY IF I DONT CATCH UP ON MY BLOG & PICTURES!!! I can do that anytime..
Watch one episode of TWD without anything else
Check my laundry to see if it’s dry
Go to the store to get veggies for veg soup
Cook a healthy dinner
Nice hot bath
Tomorrow I can work on my blog and pictures.. Flight to Morocco is at 5pm so I’ll have all day..
Well.. I laid down under the covers.. Warm up first .. I thought I was feeling better but as soon as I moved I panicked again. The girl who travels the world is panicking at the thought of unlocking the bedroom door. Facepalm. Deep breath.. There’s no rush.. So my basics ..
I’m def getting daily exercise ✔️ sun ✔️ I’m not taking any meds.. Healthy eating.. Not so much.. Therapy .. I haven’t checked in with my therapist since.. Malta I think it was. I havent been blogging much either .. Not the travel blog but my mental wellness blog .. Ones like this one. It’s definitely showing. Thing isn’t.. If I find time to write, then I feel like it should be the travel journal because it’s behind.. But no, self care is important, and maybe I need to quit putting “must do”s on myself?? So what if it never gets written .. It still happened.. The only reason I wanna write it is so I can have a book to publish at the end, for what? To make money? Why do I want money? Security.. To do the things I wanna do in life?
“HELLO!!! You’re in fucking Barcelona!!! You don’t need money!!! You figure it out anyway.. Quit stressing that fame and fortune shit.. It’s all a lie.
Remember the little bird.. You’ll be provided for, no matter what. ”
As soon as I think “I’ll be okay” my mind shoots off to the time I wasn’t okay .. The time that I was savagely raped. It’s really hard for me to believe that I’ll always be okay, because that day shattered that belief.. Yesterday I felt like I was compromised again. I was being my usual friendly self and talking to a couple of guys near the arc de triomf. They told me about a cool ass coffee shop they were heading to and invited me. Everything seemed legit but my internal alarm was blaring.. SOMETHING IS WRONG.. I was already walking with them, and could see a cop so I felt safe but as we turned the corner, no cop, and not so public as the park. My inner voice got louder. I told them I needed to stop and get cash.. Which I instantly kicked myself for. Now I’d be putting myself at an ATM .. If they wanted to rob me, this was even worse. Just then Amber called me.. Thank God, and could tell something was wrong. The guys hung out outside the bank while I was inside attempting to use the atm. I told amber what was going on, and scared the crap out of her in the process. She told me to call the police, but a) I didn’t know how to call the police, and b) what would I tell them? “Hi, I made two new friends and they want me to go to a coffee shop, but now i’m scared?” I remembered my paypal card was cancelled bc of fraud, and used that to attempt to get money. It gave me a recipe saying transaction declined .. “Yes!” I exited and showed them the paper.. With no money and no access to money, it was senseless to go to the coffee shop. Amber stayed on the phone as we parted ways. I walked back to the park where everyone as and decided it was time to go home.
I don’t always make the smartest decisions. That’s how I was raped in 2011. No matter how much I build a portfolio of evidence that I can trust myself.. It only takes one dumb decision like yesterday to put me back into doubting myself. The rape has been on my mind a lot recently for different reasons. Conversations about having kids, and how I cant.. And how the only time I almost became a biological parent was when I was pregnant from the rape, but had a miscarriage. Worrying about traveling to Africa where I’ve most likely been misinformed about how they treat women there. The news about all the violence in the world. Traveling the world alone as a woman. Reading a review about a couchsurfing host that I almost stayed with in Rome, and how he tried to take advantage of one of his guests. Wanting to lose weight, and become more attractive.. The night in the taxi with the guy in malta.
It’s a scary world we live in.. Mostly because of ignorance.. But I can’t let that hold me back anymore.
Okay .. Time to get up and walk thru that locked door.. I have to pee! Lol
Holy fuck it wasn’t locked…