Don’t worry, it’s not contagious.. You aren’t going to catch it, so you can stop looking at me like I have some disease, or monster with three heads.. TRUST me.. It’s not going anywhere!!! I know this because if there’s one thing I want more than anything in this world, it’s for my weight to get lost!!!
It’s not easy being fat. I’m pretty convinced, at this point, that the reason my body stores my fat is because of how much I stress about being fat. Our animal brains react to stress with very primitive reactions .. Fight or flight. Whenever I think about attempting to lose weight.. It already begins preparing to be starved, and stores what it thinks it needs to survive. Of course, I’ve never actually starved myself, but it doesn’t access that information.
So how often do I stress about my weight in one day?
Well, when I first wake up, sit up, and put my feet on the floor, I know it’s going to be painful taking those first few steps. I have developed planters foot.. Or planter faciatas if I want to sound fancy about it. Basically, the arches of my feet have a hard time holding me up, but I’ve noticed it gets better when I do lose weight, and get under a certain level of morbid obesity. Ahh “morbid obesity” what a lovely term that is!! I then get dressed.. While most people get dressed to look good.. I get dressed to hide my fat. No horizontal stripes, add a jacket to section my body into three.. No tight fitting clothes.. Great hair .. Because maybe if my hair looks great on top of my adorable face, they won’t see the tire around my waist?
Then it’s breakfast time.. I’m usually not that hungry in the morning so I don’t eat.. By lunch time I can feel my stomach growling, and sometimes I’ll eat.. Or sometimes I’ll keep going.. Stretching the zero calorie counter as long as possible, and by 3-4pm I’ll scout out a meal of some sort. I stress about it while I sit in a public place eating.. I feel like everyone is staring, and judging me for eating… I know this is my shit, and most people are too absorbed with their own world to even notice me.. But I still feel it.
Eating healthy has always been a challenge for me. I wasn’t raised eating healthy food. I was raised on one minute microwave TV dinners. We didn’t have a kitchen in my childhood home. We had a counter behind the sofa with a microwave, a toaster, and a fridge next to it. We lived on ramen noodles, ham sandwiches, spaghettios, and microwave nuggets chips and that little brownie that cooked in the tray. Eventually, we got a slow cooker and my mum would cook a hot pot, or corned beef hash, but cooking wasn’t her thing, and sometimes ketchup didn’t mask that foul taste that she called dinner. On Sunday’s we would go to grans house sometimes, and there we would spend the day, in the kitchen, cooking a Sunday roast, and baking the deserts to go with them. I loved Sunday’s.. Veggies smothered in brown gravy… Friday’s were sometimes fish n chip night.. There was a brief moment where my mum joined a slimming club.. Vera’s slimming club.. And she drug me along with her. It was so embarrassing being the only kid in that community room behind the bar. I remember the pound of lard that sat on the table next to the weigh in scale.. A motivator to shed the pounds. It was so gross.. And I just figured maybe people should stop eating butter?? I was 9 at the time. I started bring cottage cheese and crackers to school, and the other kids would laugh at me. Maybe this is where the “morbid” part was born?
Other times I stress about my weight … When I sit in a chair and my legs can feel both sides of it.. When I get on a plane and worry about whether I’ll spill over into my neighbors seat, or whether I’ll make them feel even more cramped than if they sat next to a skinnier person…. When I go swimming… Oh how I cringe.. I cover it with swimming shorts and a t shirt.. But the water just makes everything stick and visible.. When I’m standing on a train, and it’s packed.. And I feel like I’m taking up more space than I should.. When I’m walking up steep inclines… When my knees feel the impact of each step down a steep incline.. Every time I get anxiety and I’m trying to decide if it’s anxiety or is this it??? Is this the heart attack that’s sure to come from being so overweight!!?!! When I buy new clothes and nothing fits, when I wear old clothes so I don’t have to bother.. When I go to a doctor and feel dismissed about really caring about my health… When I think about getting weight loss surgery.. After I’ve eaten, and feel like I shouldn’t have.. When I feel sad and want to binge eat my blues away… EVERY TIME I WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE AND I AM IN IT!!! Traveling around the world, there are plenty of pictures I want to be in.. Fully, not just selfies.. So Basically all the time!!
I drink nothing but water for the most part, and I walk about five miles a day.. Pushing myself not to succumb to the laziness that I crave so bad, because it’d be so much easier to just sit and do nothing…
So yes.. I’m fat.. But I’m not a fat lazy American.. In fact I’m sure I do a lot more each day than most.. I’m a product of my environment.. A product of my animal instincts.. A product of my upbringing.. And a product of years and years of programming and preservatives..
More than anything in the world, I want to lose weight… But it’s the only lost I don’t seem to get.