See You Later..
Today was a rough one in many ways. It’s never easy to leave loved ones, and even harder when you know it could be years before you see them again. I felt the tears fill the backs of my eye balls this morning while Louis repeatedly hugged me and tugged on my arm, trapping it so that I couldn’t go anywhere. “You’re leaving today aren’t you” he’d said, as we almost made it to his school. Cali and I looked at each other with that moment of “busted” even tho we knew he knew. He handled it like a champ tho. I watched him circle the playground, chasing his mate, and then landing back in my arms for another hug. We practically stood in the same spot that I’d waited for him to come out of school, the first day I arrived. Bittersweet. “It’s not goodbye is it mate? It’s see you later” I told him, with full intentions of making sure I make good on that promise.
I remember the last time I left England. January 2nd 2006. My mum walked me to the door of her bungalow, holding back the same tears that were challenging mine. She hugged me and told me the same thing .. “It’s not goodbye, it’s see you later” but we both knew that we’d never see each other again in this lifetime. She passed away a couple of months later.
Returning to England was a bit of a challenge for me. I’ve shared many pictures, and many awesome days, out and about around the land I once called home. I haven’t really shared all that has gone on for me personally while being there. All the memories as I passed different town names… Bolton, Warrington, Wigan, Preston.. How strange it felt to walk in some of the same footsteps and see the same faces of 20 years ago when I moved away. I haven’t shared about the anger that I’ve had to suppress, unsuccessfully that then turned to high blood pressure, dizziness, and constant anxiety. The name of my blog is panicked gypsy.. And I often talk about how I’m able to roam the world with my frugal gypsy feet, but I haven’t talked about the panicked side. How I can feel the pulse in my neck feel tight all the time.. How my chest hurts, and I find myself constantly having to stop and deep breathe using square breathing techniques just to stay grounded. It’s been quite exhausting to be honest. I’ve barely left my sisters house while in town because of fear. There was nothing rational to be afraid of, yet as soon as I walked out the door, I felt dizzy and fearful once again. The last few days I knew I had to break thru that before flying to Malta. I ventured out to Manchester, and tho I still had the dizzy spells, standing on the platform, debating if I could really do this.. I got on anyway.. The blood rushed thru me.. My breathing out of whack, and my thoughts wound down to basic commands.. “Just focus on stepping up to the train. You just have to make it to the seat, and then you’ll be okay. The adrenaline is 15 minutes and the train is an hour.. You’ve got this. ” Then, of course, a man sat down beside me and the panic restarted all over again. I made it there tho. Walked from the train to Old Trafford, took some pictures and then it kicked in again.. Dizziness.. “Have I eaten? I’m not going to pass out. If I pass out, someone will see me and call for help in the worst case scenario… I will be okay… ” but panicked anyway, and focused on just following those signs to the red cafe.. A cafe was bound to have a bathroom, and once in the bathroom I could be safe and calm myself down. It worked well enough, and I found a pressed penny machine.. Silver lining!
I won’t bore you with a play by play, but I had 6 or 7 panic attacks that day in Manchester. Don’t get me wrong, I had an amazing time, and when I needed safe, I went and saw a really crap movie lol but I made it! I made it out, and back to the house.
Each day has been like that now since mid December. I’ve emailed my therapists, and I have my meds on standby, tho i still haven’t taken them. In a lot of ways, I’ve regressed when it comes to my mental health. My empathic ways are blaring.. Picking up everyone and their mothers’ tension and stress. I felt it choking me. I’m hoping some sun and sandy rocks in Malta will help reset me back to a balanced self. Ive also booked all of my appointments for the week that I am back in Mississippi. I know I’m somewhat stressing about that, even tho I am sure that I am perfectly okay.
Today marks the start of the next leg of my adventures.. Bouncing from one place to another where I really don’t know anyone or much of anything, and just figuring it out as I go. Freedom.. That’s what it’s about after-all. I have this fear that I’ll just be eternally lost in some foreign land, and nobody would know the difference, but let’s be honest.. If I disappeared from Facebook for longer than a couple of days, I dare say there would be a search team deployed! Lol
I miss my family already… that’s such a strange feeling for me to feel. I know that sounds horrible.. but we just aren’t that family.. we aren’t close.. geographically, emotionally, not in any way.. at least we weren’t.
Time to nap .. Landing in T-2 hours