Well I’ve been having panic attacks and dizzy spells for the last ten days now. I’ve seen the doctor and gotten meds but they don’t seem to be helping too much.. Not sure what it is, but I sure feel stressed. I’ve been starting to feel homesick also. I’ve been away from home for 10 weeks now which is three times longer than any trip I’ve taken before. While I’m enjoying traveling and being with my family.. I haven’t had a grounding for a while, and I think it’s starting to play out in the form of panic attacks. They feel different tho. I’ve never felt dizzy like this before.
The other part is that I am feeling the missing part of having someone to actually share it all with.. I know.. I sound like a broken record, but it’s true. No matter how many pictures and videos I post, it’s not the same as having that person to witness everything with me. I will be home February 10th tho for a week, so there’s a date in sight. I’ll also be home for Valentine’s Day.. My three year anniversary of being single. I didn’t think I’d manage to stay single for a year when my last major relationship ended.. But here I am three years later and probably pickier than ever. It’s true what they wrote about in those blogs. The longer I am single, the less willing I am to hand over half my life to another person, and share and compromise.. Have someone else’s feelings to consider when making decisions. It’s not that I am selfish.. I’d give anything to anyone .. But it’s best all around that I don’t give my heart away unless it’s to s place that feels completely compatible. It’s not the end of the world if I stay single.. In fact, it’s opened the door to the world.. It’s opened the door to a place where I can get to know myself, and figure out what it is that I want my life to look like.. And what qualities I’m attracted to. There are so many stereotypes in the world of being gay, but there are also stereotypes within the gay community.. And for me, it was always good enough that I was a woman dating a woman. I’ve always been a bit of a Tom boy, so naturally I looked for a feminine partner, because after all.. The easiest way to fly under the radar is to have one butch and one feminine woman to create the Hetero homo partnership. A top and a bottom. You should’ve seen the looks I got, when I dated another tomboy, from within our “equal rights” community. It was deemed as “weird”… But when you think about it,.. Who would be more compatible than another tomboy? Wouldn’t that be a sign that self love is in play.. To seek a partner that’s somewhat like self?
I know that I don’t know much about makeup, dresses, heels, hair.. Unless it’s sculpting wax .. I like to hang out with the “guys” and I hate gossip.. I like sports, and sappy romance movies.. Love to cook.. And maintain a home I can be proud of, regardless how big or small it is.. I’m independent and can wear the pants, but I love a good snuggle, a bunch of flowers and to be called beautiful. I can build a good bonfire, and run a bubble bath.. Pull parts from the junk yard and fix a car.. I love to go shopping, and give gifts.. Plant surprises, and fall in love with life itself.. I’m passionate.. And compassionate. I love to love.. More than anything in life, I love to love and be loved… I’d be my perfect mate.. And now that I know what that looks like, I know what I’m looking for.. What I deserve.. And what I won’t settle for less than… True two way love.. Of self and each other. Yes.. I am ready.. The door is wide open. All labels are expired.
I’m kinda excited to start this next chapter.